


Nutritional Loving

by ItsaMePatches



Category: VeggieTales
Genre: Bad Fic, F/M, Gen, Other, Parody that parodies parodies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-15 15:46:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19298812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsaMePatches/pseuds/ItsaMePatches
Summary: It was just an ordinary day for me at my job at Big Idea Studios, but then I met up with a man whom I've adored for as long as I could remember. I have to have him! But I also have feelings for another. What do?





	1. I Love Archibald Asparagus

Nutritional Loving

 

* * *

 

    It was 9 o'clock in the morning when I sat up in bed with a yawn which sounded like a newborn kitten meowing, my breasts perking up as I stretched. Today was a new day and I could hardly wait.

    Hi, my name is Angelique Angel Alexandria Avocado. I just turned 18 years old and am currently a staff member at Big Idea Studios. I have long, golden blond hair that reaches my butt, bright blue aquamarine eyes, and a beauty mark at the right side of my mouth. People always say I look like an angel, and ai think so too. In fact, I think that's what God said when he made me.

    I hate God.

    I got my clothes on and headed out the door. I decided to wear a pastel pink underboob top, a matching pink bow behind my head, a short black skirt, and a shiny pentagram necklace and matching earrings. I flicked my hair behind me as I walked through the double doors of the studio. It smelled like vanilla and other frilly smells that I couldn't figure out. Must have been that French blueberry's doing since she just LOVED bringing a lot of those scented candles to the studio.

    Sigh.

    "Oops, pardon me!"

    A body brushed by me for a second and I was about to call them out on being a blind dumbass but then I realized who it was when he spun around

    Archibald Asparagus!

    He smiled IMMEDIATELY when he saw me just like when I saw him. "Cor blimey, it's Angelique! How are you my dear?"

    My stomach flipped like a gold medal Olympian doing a performance in the gymnastics category. "O--oo--oh I'm doing fine Archibald. Just...finE."

    I blushed redder than a tomato, but I don't know how because I'm an avocado.

    "Well that's good! Say, after work today I was thinking of getting something to drink would you like to come along if you're not busy?"

    "Absolutely!" I say without gesitation. I could go for some coffee

    And a side of him.

    "Great!" Archibald gave me a sweet smile, sweeter than sweets. "I need to go change into my costume now I will see you later, dear" and then he went away, leaving me with my own thoughts.

    Holy shit.

    I'm getting together with Archibald Asparagus later. Could it be that he likes me like how I like him? Maybe. We'll see.

    And so my day at work began. I joined the others to the stage where the others were. I had my camera over my shoulder with a small grunt not because it was heavy or because I was weak though.

    As everybody was still trying to "get their shit together" like Bob would grumble whenever he was stressed and had a headache, My eyes wadnered around the room at each fruit and vegetable was present today.

    Archibald, Bob, Junior, Laura (that bitch), Madame, Pa, tweedle dee and tweedle dumb gourds, and Mister Nesser.

    Mister Lunt probably didn't come today because he's a majory gay and this episode was about how being straight was good and wholesome. He was gay unlike Larry whose tragic backstory was of people assuming he was a gay...that really sucks. Poor Larry.

    Anyway we filmed the episode. Archibald was great as the executioner who executed a person for liking pineapple on pizza. He looked kind of sexy all in black too.

    So once everything was said and done I tossed my camera to the side and was about to go and meet up with Archibald at his dressing room until I ran into somebody, my face hitting his flat chest.

    "Ouch sonofa--"

    "Well, if it isn't Angelique~ Hello!"

    I gasp.

    Scallion! The first one!

    What the hexk was his name again? Eddie? Cedric? Juan? A robber? That British bitch kept saying different ones every time someone asked who he was.

    Whoever he was, he was fine.

    "Scallion 1" I say, blinking.

    "You're looking rather lovely today with that underboob top you're wearing and matching bow and pentagram necklace and matching earrings, dear."

    Good grief, calling me dear must have been a British thing. I love it.

    "And your eyeshadow looks great as ever."

    "Not as splendid as your boobs."

    "Yah that's true but still"

    "How about the two of us meet up one day for lunch"

    "Ok"

    And then I told him I had to go and bid him adieu and went and met up with Archibald and then went to the cafe with him for some coffee. Archibald used to drink tea and not coffee but after a bitter divorce that some bitch named Lovey he started drinking bitter and black coffee which was just like his soul felt after the divorce. We stayed there and talked and stared at each other for what it seemed like hours and it felt like

    Heaven.

    I still hate God though so don't even think about it.

    After our get together was over Archibald walked me home arm in arm. We went to the entrance of my house and shared a hot passionate kiss that was so messy that I was sure we needed napkins to wipe all of the saliva off our feces.

    "Goodnught, dear," Archibald said with a smile "I love u."

    "Goodnight my sexy sexy assparaus. I love you too"

    That was the best night eva.

 

* * *

 

    To be continued in chapter 2.


	2. The backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wroming: this chapter contains a small scene of sexy times turn back now if you no read
> 
> Link on "...once", open it in separate tab for music for da scene

* * *

 

    And so Archibald Sexy Assparagus was dating me and I was dating him. Everyday we would come to work, we would be holding hands. Also because he was dating me, a satanish (hail Santa), he began to wear a matching pentagram necklace to work and a skull shaped monocle.

    He looked so sexoy. I mean even before the clothing makeover he already was, but…

    Anyway I was getting dressed after making out with my Murdoc Niccols poster (my fellow satanist) for approximately an hour when I got a text from Archie (a nickname that I originally gave to him) saying that he was outside waiting for me. I threw on my satanist brand leather jacket over my black and red boobtop that had the words "Christianity is brainwash" in golden cursive letters. I pulled my long golden angelic hair back into a messy bun and then I left my house and met up with Archie at the very end of my house. We made out on our way to the studio and then went inside the studio hand and hand.

    "Well I need to go and get changed into costume," Archie said. "I will see you in awhile."

    "Okay sexy bitch," I said with a cute, sweet smile before he bounced away.

    I was alone for a minute and only alone for a minute when I saw the tall British scallion hop towards me. I gave him a grin.

    "Why hello there Angelique it's so god to see you," he immediately said with a rather smexy smile with how his eyelids went down a little with the eyeshadow he wore and the way his lips curled into a smile.

    "Hello"

    "So I heard u liek Archibald?"

    "Yah"

    "Did you know I used to date him?"

    I gasped.

    "No way," I cried, "I thought God didn't _like_ gay people!"

    "I dated him around high school, I believe," he thought, looking up at da ceiling in thought. "He had quite a lot of money, that's what drove me to him." He grinned to me. "He was certainly a fun shag along with da money and that was about it. Got tired of him after a while but I'm glad he found someone who likes him anyway I should be going now. Let's try having lunch if you're not too busy. Bye"

    My mouth hung wide open even after that scallion hoe bounced away.

    Then Lovey hopped by me.

    "Money grubbing bitches," I muttered about both her and Scallion. "It's the assparagus and his Britishness that's important. Bitches."

    Lunt still didn't show up to the studio and it's probably because be said something about "certain people" being a little bit "too weird" for him like "that chick with the blonde hair and avocado boobs".

    Must have been talking about Madame Blueberry.

    Anyway we filmed an episode about how gay people were evil and then we had lunch afteer filming. I went to grab my upside down cross purse and was about to go by the studio doors and wait for Archie when Larry showed up.

    "Hi Angelique!" His squeaky voice greeted me with his single tooth showing because of his perky smile at me. "You waitin' for Archie?"

    "Yes I am" I said

    "So uh, is it true that you guys are datin'?"

    "Yah it is!"

    "Ohh, that's somethin'"

    Larry looked off to the side and then gave me a tortured look, his mind was crying but his face was laughing. The first sign of a psycho.

    "...dude, are you narratin' out loud?"

    "Oh look there's Archie," I said and pointed to the assparaguss coming towards our general direction.

    Archie asked, "Hello my dear are u ready to go?"

    "Yes I am!" I said.

    "Well then let's be on our way!" Archie looked to Larry. "I will see you on Sunday at church, Larru"

    I mentally shuddered at the c-h-u-r-c-h word.

    "Bye Archie! Bye Angelique!"

    "See yah Larry"

    We both hopped off.

    "You know, Angelique, I've been meaning to ask you something," Archie said as soon as we go into his fancy European car that was red and blacl and had little upside down crosses painted and a licence plate that had xx69xx on it, "I noticed how you seem to dislike Christianity despite working here with me why is that"

    I took a looooong deep breath and then released the bad air.

    "Well it's like this: my mom used to be a playboy model when she was younger but then she got into a car accident that messed up her legs she was so upset because she didn't think she could be a playboy bunny anymore that she went crazy and 'found jesus' along the way even though the playboy people were willing to help her out and stuff so anyways when I was 2 and a half years old I read an entire young adult novel on my own she went even crazier and called me a she devil so then she started spraying me with a water soaker full of holy water while screeching stuff like 'wicked pagan' or 'burn you witch' before throwing a Bibleman doll at me. Then one day, she drove off a cliff in her Mercedes after I was accepted into college at age 3 and a half so she could go to God's house. I lived with my father like that who is a vampire and also a sanatanist ever since then but even though my mother was a wacky christiant I decided to start working at Big Idea because the pay is good and also you were the first person I saw go into that studio and knew that I needed that sweet asparabooty for myself."

    Caramelldansen was playing on the radio.

    I guess Archie was absorbing everything I told him still, or he was upset by everything that happened.

    "Oh my dear I'm so sorry that byotch ever dis those things to u," he painfully said and gave ne a sad look while he continued driving. "No wonder you are how you are!"

    "It's okay suicide is a sin so she's in hell it's okay" I shruggged. "by the way her ghost haunts me to this very day"

    "Dear you're going to make me cry"

    "Too late it looks like you already are."

    Archie pulled out a kleenex from his yellow sweater and wiped the bloody tears off his faeces. "Cor blimey. Let me take you to my house tonight"

    "Ok"

    Archie drove me to his house that night and we went inside. Then[...Once](https://youtu.be/CwrRkOSIoLs) we were inside we started making out which led us into his bed room. Pur tongUES swiveled and swirled around in each other s mouths and oOOH we fell on the bed and continued kissing and licking and then we tok each others clothes off ans began screwing as I moaned sweet satan's name over and over as we continued to fuk and nake love that night. Fuck my mom fuck everything.

    Fuxk Archie...literally.

    After we were through, Archie and me fell asleep in each others arms and slept.

 

* * *

 

End of chapter 2


End file.
